January: T-shirt time!
Unexpectedly, January was a phenomenal month. 2009 was a great year, but the end of it was extremely bittersweet. I experienced emotional highs and lows that I had never traversed. In this time period, I began to make new friends and upset the people that I was normally surrounded by. With no intentions of being disrespectful, I needed to be around new faces. I needed to be surrounded by people who wanted to be around me and enjoy me for me. Actually, it is borderline safe to say that I had no worries throughout the month of January; I did what I wanted, I had a great time, and I got to be around unbiased and genuine people. This is a month I wished never to end. I didn’t wish this to keep the fun from stopping; I just knew what potentially was waiting for me around the corner.
February: Cupid said I was on the right track, but I got on the wrong train.
On cue, with February came the last call of January. The agendas and the things that I viewed as important in January now took a backseat to the objectives that February had in store for me. Instead of partying and drinking, I was now perfecting my craft at work and preparing myself for newer opportunities. Instead of looking for new people to hang out with and show a good time to, I was now rehearsing what I would say and how I would carry myself around new people that could potentially impact my future. The irony with February was that on a calendar, it is the shortest month; to me, it felt like the longest. To be fair, February is a month that I will hold extremely close to my heart; throughout the swirling thoughts and constant changes surrounding me, there were select events that humbled me and invited me to a simpler, more desirable, style of life.
March: “Flashing Lights”
With arms wide open, the city of Los Angeles welcomed me in March. Literally, in the span of one week, I went from living and working 5 minutes away from the beach in sunny Carlsbad to living and working in the mind-boggling, and ever-changing, city of Hollywood. Throughout all of this change and adaption to a new, and once familiar, style of life, I couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming feeling of accomplishment. I felt like all of my hard work that I had previously done was really starting to pay off. I was thrilled at the fact that I would be living in a city again, and I was excited to overcome new challenges and experience different aspects of the business that I have become quite fond of. The beginning of March had it all; the marriage and the honeymoon. As I made my way through March, I became more and more apprehensive as to what April had in store for me.
April: “I’ll make your bed…”
If April were a math problem, it would look like this: “Figure it out” + “Really? We can’t even get that?” + realizing “You’ll be doing a little bit of everything” really meant you have 17 different jobs (ß hyperbole) = April. What a headache! By far, April was one of the most difficult months of the year. The expectations were enormous, the resources were limited, the people (including myself) were unmotivated and there was no end in sight. In this time, I had to learn my new position (empirically, of course), accept my responsibilities, and balance myself, my work, and the people I manage with my remaining time. April was cruel to me. All I found myself doing was reminiscing and regretting. All of this thinking left me doubting what I knew, what I was capable of, and most importantly, who I was. Silly me; I should have known April and May were sisters.
May: “…now you can lay in it!”
May did her very best to remind me that those feelings of inadequacy and disarray were very real. May was very similar to a black hole; I felt myself spiraling downward with no end in sight. Throughout every day in this month, I felt like something new was being shown to me, or I had an opportunity to learn something I didn’t know before. Brian, circa January, would have normally jumped at the opportunity to learn and implement. Brian, in the month of May, could not catch a concept with baseball glove. Those feelings of accomplishment that made me shine throughout March were quickly washed away with April’s showers; all May had to do was maintain. I had one great thing happen to me in May; one. I vividly remember coming up with this ratio 1:5. I truly believed that for every one thing that went my way, five others would not. I recall counting each bad occurrence in hopes of achieving a good one.
June and July: Fire and Brimstone
I can safely say that the black hole effect of May was no more. I was certain of this simply for the fact that I found the bottom; to be completely honest, I couldn’t have been more relieved. In my mind, at least I knew this feel was not endless. In June, I actually took a vacation (yeah, I actually had a little for that). I had a good time and I did some things that I never had the opportunity to do before. Through all of the excitement, I forgot to realize that with one great trip comes one great fall. The walls in my life fell apart. The land that I chose to build my mind’s castle on was made of quicksand and before I knew it, I lost everything. Unmotivated, and defeated in will, I came to terms with my life and realized I needed to do less and give more. At this point, nothing was solid in my life; everything I touched, held, or even thought of simply disintegrated right before my eyes. Feeling dejected, I simply gave up and was convinced that this was my fate and my punishment was to fulfill it.
August: Microcosm of Life
After recovering from June and July’s furious hangover, I decided to approach August outlook with a brand new outlook. I felt compelled to do so for many reasons; most importantly, my birthday. August, as of late, has been a bittersweet month for me. This year, I was certain to rely on family and friends to make it a memorable one. I’m not being arrogant or self-indulging when I say this, but the day of August 17th celebrated life, STRENGTHENED bonds, and instilled memories that I will never be able to get rid of. For some that I’m related to, it is was a rite of passage. For others, it was a major notch in the tree of life. Unfortunately, my trust for a few to took a considerable step backwards in this month. Fortunately for them, and myself, I don’t particularly care to hold grudges. I am a God fearing man and I believe in forgiveness. I forgave, and hoped that those individuals will pay that good deed forward onto others.
September: Compass, broken. Watch, dead. Great! We’re lost…
September marked the end of the summer for me. Quite honestly, the summer was something that I could have easily done without; so to see it go, blessed me with a sense of relief. The best way to describe September is an aftermath. In the previous 4 months, so many aspects of my life had gone awry leaving me with scattered spots of accomplishment and happiness. My skin’s thickness had grown tenfold and I was convinced that I could endure anything. Albeit, not the worst mindset to have, I thought this way for all of the wrong reasons. I felt tough and I felt the need to prove that I would not let anyone slander my persona or my intentions. I have made many mistakes in my life, and throughout them all, I have never once been called a bad person. With all of these people thinking the highest of me and constantly reminding me; there was one person I could not get through to – me.
October: Self efficacy turned into…
The change of time and the change of mind came hand in hand for me in October. I was obsessed with achieving pure balance of the mind, body and soul. To me, being able to well round myself would catapult me into a state of nirvana. I grew weary of committing random acts of indiscretions and constantly disappointing the people I care about; I needed to find a reason for it all – I needed to find my purpose. What I learned in October set the stage for November; people’s viewpoints on me are very polarized. The people who had my best interest in mind exuded that and constantly reminded that they are here for me and things will be fine. The others labeled me as selfish. Often times they reminded me of my past and previous indiscretions I succumbed to. Instead of being on my side, they literally worked against me. Most people would be perplexed here; I was simply mystified.
November: …methodical vertigo.
November quickly became the sequel to October. Again, I was surrounded by people telling me what I should versus asking me how I am doing. November was a month of observation for me. I did a lot of listening and I did a lot of observing; I learned that many of the people that I am surrounded by aren’t much better than me. This intrigued me. I know that people that never hesitate throw my mistakes in my face and follow up by reiterating that they have never dealt with, or never have done such a thing. Is that really my loss? I can’t help but chuckle at people who pride themselves on never being erroneous. What have those people learned? They find their comfort in putting down those who “aren’t as fortunate.” I actually have no room to speak on this matter; I’m the selfish one; what I say goes! Remember? I was bedridden with sickness in late November. If I didn’t see, or make time for, some of the people I promised would have; I definitely would have got the selfish lecture. It’s ok; I’ll just plan my sickness better for the next time.
December: One Foot in Front of the Other
Alas, the final chapter of 2010 is upon us. Throughout all of my aforementioned successes and tribulations, I still have enough desire to end this year respectfully. I have never been much of Christmas person, but this year I am pushing myself to be more festive. The beauty of December is that we all await our chance to rewrite our lives with the approach of the New Year; I believe we call these resolutions. Unlike most, I use December to reflect on the last 11 months of the year and see how it got me to where I am. During this joyous time of year, we all think about what we want for Christmas, or what we want to accomplish for the New Year; I do too. All I want is the will to do well and the opportunity to be in the position of reflecting on another year. As the New Year approaches, I can’t help but wonder what opportunities and experiences are awaiting my arrival. Until then, all I can do remember these experiences and remember where I came from; I’ll need that in order to know where I’m headed.
May the sun shine warm upon your face and the wind be at your back. Godspeed and good will to you all…
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